yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
