it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
