i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
