honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
