She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
