Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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