fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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