We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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