i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
