So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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