I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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