Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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