Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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