Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize