He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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