so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
