just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You can't motorboat a personality
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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