thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
