i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
