It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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