That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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