I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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