have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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