I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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