My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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