I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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