Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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