I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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