Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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