Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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