I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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