I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
