In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
