dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
