My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
