so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
