when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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