I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
