The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
