Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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