soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
