The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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