I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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