question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize