My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
