Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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