There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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