Sorry, I don't speak sober.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
