My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
