it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
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