Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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