i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
