What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
