Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
