my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
