I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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