I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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