I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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